I fell in love in 9th grade at Western High School. I didn’t expect it, I for sure wasn’t looking for love but he made me fall for him. It was such a new feeling for me I didn’t know what it meant, I woke up with him on my mind. I woke up feeling happy with warm fluttering in my stomach, ready to get all cute in case I saw him today. The first few months together were paralyzing magical. It was like spilling a packet of seeds all over the front yard and watching flowers bloom sporadically the following spring. I fell in love meticulously and deeply, and I knew that I wanted him to be a part of my life forever. I never had someone who cared for me so consistently. He never left me like the others, when I needed someone he was the first person to calm my nerves. He hugged me so tight like I was a teddy bear to a newborn baby.
My High school sweetheart, oh how the time flew when we were together. So soon our anniversary, I knew he would go all out. “come outside” the text he sent me. I panicked I wasn’t expecting him so soon. I instantaneously tripped and jumped into the shower. I hope he wouldn’t notice the cuts and patches from trying to shave my legs rapidly. My lungs curled up, I think I over did it with my perfume. He loved me regardless so why was I sweating nervously, its just like any other date. right?
Year two with the man of my dreams. we fought more this year but he still knew how to win over my heart. I love him so much but our work schedules were starting to create a drift. I couldn’t see him everyday anymore, but we still saw each other every two days or three. He knew how to make those days like heaven to me. Nothing could tear us apart as soon as this semester was over I was 100% positive to being with my future husband everyday like the old times. I was still very much in love but my heart didn’t skip a beat anymore I got comfortable around him.
Year three, late nights alone, cold bed, and dead phones. He can barley create time to call me , where did we go wrong. I love him. we fought 70% of the time we were together, we couldn’t ever agree on where to go to dinner, he barley called me at night after his work day, he stopped sending me those cute long messages saying how he was thinking about me late nights. When we would lay in bed together I felt so alone. I invested to much into this I wasn’t about to give up now.
Year four, I’ve never felt so empty I thought maybe this was a phase. this whole time I thought maybe it was my fault to why we grew apart. I blamed myself for things that weren’t my fault. I accepted his apology every single time he would come back crying to me. I was so alone, but he wasn’t. He was jumping from bed to bed, girl to girl, while I was worried about him “working to much.” I was done I couldn’t keep feeling like this my family was worried about me, I never wanted to hang out with my friends anymore, I was constantly depressed. I was going to leave him. I packed my things but he caught me at the door. He was crying in my arms, my shirt was soaked he promised he wouldn’t do it again. He told me he didn’t know what he had till I threatened to leave. He was promising me everything I wanted just like the old times. This was the man I wanted to marry, have kids with and grown old together. I gave him another chance. That lasted about a week, till another woman called me and gave me the gruesome details to their love life. Im done. How could the man who I loved so much destroy my heart.
In this piece it seems as though you are talking about your first love and first real heartbreak. In the beginning I was engaged by your cheerful description of how it was you fell for him. I like the detail you used when writing about your love for him and how it made you feel. You expressed how you felt you had become comfortable and the first time maybe you realized that the fluttering feeling was no longer there. I empathized with you when reading of your breaking point and making the tough decision to leave. I could truly feel the disappointment you must have felt when trying to give him that one last chance hoping he would change, but he did not. Overall I liked this piece and want to thank you for sharing it.
A good choice of topic for a family/relationships theme. This is an interesting structure with a section for each year. You have a nice strong sense of voice with some effective touches (I esp. like the image of seeds sprouting in para. 1).
Stepping back as you revise, I’d encourage you to think about focus. What’s the main point you’re trying to make? Yes, this seems to trace your relationship, or the evolution of your feelings. But what do you make of it now? What is lesson to be learned, or how did this change you?
You tend to focus here mostly on telling us how you felt, not dramatizing the relationship so much (though there are bits of that). in para. 1, for example, there is not much in way of details to let us see him. In your final draft I’d like to see more specific memories/scenes that let us really see the relationship, what you did, how you talked, etc.
In proofreading, run-ons are your main challenge. Here’s a link with some info that may help: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm Also watch for “to” vs “too.”